It
was time to leave the real world behind for awhile. At least this was her intention as she sat
down to write. It was time to escape
into her world of imagination-of fantasy.
Now is when that song pops into her head. Willy Wonka and all those Gobstoppers! Not to mention the little men who help run
the factory. Hmmm…Umpalumpas! Oh God she was straying!
Well…what
is the subject for tonight?
Her
thoughts turned a little more melancholic as she sat thinking of Christmas
seasons from years ago. It has always
been her favorite season of the year but not these last three years. There was
and has been too much sadness in her life during these last few years. When she stopped to think about it-it only
brought tears to her eyes and made her heart ache almost beyond tolerance. She wanted to forget everything and anything
but that was impossible. The sadness
within her made her who she was-how can she be anyone else?
The
moments have been filled with dark and light thoughts-sometimes gray ones. Then
there were those very bright moments when she felt loved and special. Those
moments have far outweighed the rest. These were the moments which have been
the light at the end of the tunnel-a tunnel she was still traveling through.
She
stopped her writing for a short while as she sat and remembered all. Especially those memories filled with him.
His heartbeat, his touch, his laughter-he was the only true love in her
life. Now, he was so far away-her heart
broke each time she thought about it. He
was also in the same place. Plans had
been disturbed and side-tracked with things beyond the control of either one of
them. The plans have been revamped-step
by step, as he says. She was always on a
see-saw-but always a see-saw filled with love. He would be home soon-he said so therefore she
believes. She has to believe-it is what
is left. He made her believe again…their time was coming.
Sighing
heavily she went back to her writing-then she once more-she stopped.
Her
mind went back in time to when she was a child.
It was Christmas Eve; the house was dark and warm. She was under the covers anticipating Santa’s
visit. When she saw who actually left
her toys on her bed-her small heart just stopped. Mom and Dad were placing a new doll at the
foot of her bed-then they left to leave more toys around the tree. There was no Santa-it was a harsh reality for
such a small child.
It
was then she started to question her faith in the unbelievable-her small world
shaken. That particular memory did not make her flinch. If anything she became more
analytical-logical. That became her
shield in life. She questioned
everything! She always found an argument pro or con. Her Dad always said she should have been an
attorney. She always found an
answer. Not always the best one but it
always finished any argument or proved the point she was trying to make. She laughed out loud. Gawd those were some arguments they had. They were just too much alike. She missed him.
Yes,
her parents never held her back. She
learned to respect the point of view of others.
She accepted change-not always easily but she did flow with it. Mostly, she became an independent
spirit. She was always the strange
one-her family called her the “rebel”-she wasn’t but that is the way it fell in
her life. Wild child is really what she
was underneath all the outer pinning of what society would call proper.
Even
the broken nose a few years later resulting from a misunderstanding-was hidden
by the proper phrases.
Wow,
memory lane time. She had to try to
write-try to get her stride back. The keystrokes were swift but still she
deleted all she wrote. There was a
missing spirit in her words.
All
round the edge of her mind were echoes of past experiences, memories,
wants-desires. Just on the edge-waiting
to come in from the shadows. Dark
things, nasty things then there were those that were sprinkled with light and
love. These were the ones she
desperately wanted to come back to her.
It was difficult-beyond difficult.
They
came back in pieces-like her writing. Fragmented; lacking substance-filled with
fear or filled with wonder which quickly evaporates upon the light of day. She felt she needed to redeem herself but the
cost was high-maybe too high. She felt
she always had a gun to her head. One
wrong move and her existence would be wiped away.
She
remembers well other times in the past feeling like this. She remembers the loss, the loneliness. It was the darkness that she could not escape
then. Her soul was in constant pain-worse she lost the desire to live. She did not want to visit that dark place
again. She was nearly lost-swallowed
whole.
Echoes,
that is all. Just echoes of things past and no shade of the future to be seen. These
shades had life only if she allowed them to interfere with her present. The one
echo-the only echo she needed was the one that lit the end of the tunnel.
She
tried once again but it was useless. Her concentration was lost for the
moment. She needed to make a decision and
chose a path; she can’t be a victim anymore.
She shut down the laptop. She
needed to clear her mind. At least-for
the moment, she is walking away from the shades of the past which still echoed
in her mind.
©2011 december/cb
