I am walking on sand with an uneven gait. I feel the fog rolling around me; surrounding me-touching me with its chill….
If it’s not broke…don’t fix it. This is something that I have heard all my life. Yet, I will try to fix things that maybe should just be left alone. I am sure that there are good reasons for it-but at the moment they simply evade me. This thought has been with me for awhile now.
Changes have hit me lately and they are still changing around me-inside me. Life kicking me in the ass or maybe it was just the simple fact that I had the wrong friend. I think that is more it than anything else. I do have to chuckle a little-I remember being a judgmental bitch at one point in my life. Life turned around and did the same to me by another. The cycle will not end-it will keep going until lessons are learned. My lesson was learned a long time ago but karma still had some life left for me. Hopefully this is the last of it. I have to learn not to trust; maybe that will save some grief.
Today I was asked a question. It killed me and needless to say, it also blurred my vision as tears filled my eyes. Mom is not well and my daughter sees this as well. She asked if we would be homeless if grandma died. My family is not kind-they see only the money that will be theirs when mom passes on. We have continued to live with Mom since Dad’s death. I told her not to worry; when the time comes things will be as they are supposed to be. Well at least that is my hope. I can’t tell her that I am also very worried about this. Now is not the time for changes; our protection died with my Father. These days it is I who is protecting Mom; she is fading fast.
Someone once told me that his family had the trappings of wealth yet when anyone looked deeper-the reality is very different. People see what they want to see and place their expectations upon that person. When I look at things around me I remember that statement and wonder if my reality is what people see or imagine.
…I am cold and I cannot get warm. I hear the sounds of the waves crashing on the rocks below. The lonely sound of the foghorn cuts through the fog. It does little to soothe my soul.
© july 4 2011/cb
3 comments:
Identical thoughts were with me when my grandmother died, because my father's siblings (none of whom actually did anything for her when she was alive) would jump in to claim the house. Fortunately, she had left a will in my favour, based on which one by one most of the siblings have signed the place over, however reluctantly.
I can't tell you things will be all right. I can however tell you that there is always a silver lining. And I can offer you a hug.
If the house is your mother's, has she made a will? In whose favour? You can mention your daughter's worries to her.
the house is part of a living will...as are other properties. mom is well provided for. it is the greed of the siblings that had my daughter concerned. i never cared one way or another as i made my own wealth...not just inherited wealth.
i know that things will be what they will be..and i appreciate deeply that hug.
i did share with mom my daughters concern...she was quiet and i have learned to leave her to her thoughts. better that way.
this started out to be a story but there is much of me in it.
thank you for commenting...hugs!
How are you doing today, kali? Things with you-know-who are not going well, and I'm more or less resigned to being alone now. Anyway, I hope the future for both of us is better than the recent past has been, for both of us.
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