IF

If I should die today

I know it would not have been in vain

My life would have been filled

With the touch of the wind in my hair

The caress of the warm heat of the sun upon my skin

My lungs would have been filled with the air

Sometimes not so clean but still allowing me

To breathe and continue on another day

The sweetness of life would have been upon my lips

My tongue savoring all that is delicate and harsh

Neither of which would have been spared or withheld

The wealth of emotions would have been my playground

I would have used as well as have been used

Eventually torturing my psyche and my soul

But IF is still a long way off

I have yet to experience the softness of my love’s caress

To feel his heart beating fast and hard

After a long session of love making

The murmur of his voice in my ear in the mornings

Along with the caress from his unshaven face

The feel of his hands as he lifts me into ecstasy

There are the years ahead of shared laughter and secret smiles

Of conversations serious and fulfilling

As well as those filled with just the silliness of life

THEN and only then

When the promise of life has been finally fulfilled

When thousand of kisses have been given and stolen

When a love so strong that it crossed time and space has endured

Then death can take my hand and I will follow

I will take a long last look at my love’s face

Dancing slowly without fear death’s dance

Though the tears may cloud my eyes

The memories of the years past will flood through me

Sustaining me as my lips brush his once more before I die

© December 23, 2011/cb

Echoes

It was time to leave the real world behind for awhile.  At least this was her intention as she sat down to write.  It was time to escape into her world of imagination-of fantasy.  Now is when that song pops into her head.  Willy Wonka and all those Gobstoppers!  Not to mention the little men who help run the factory.  Hmmm…Umpalumpas!  Oh God she was straying!

Well…what is the subject for tonight?

Her thoughts turned a little more melancholic as she sat thinking of Christmas seasons from years ago.  It has always been her favorite season of the year but not these last three years. There was and has been too much sadness in her life during these last few years.  When she stopped to think about it-it only brought tears to her eyes and made her heart ache almost beyond tolerance.  She wanted to forget everything and anything but that was impossible.  The sadness within her made her who she was-how can she be anyone else?

The moments have been filled with dark and light thoughts-sometimes gray ones. Then there were those very bright moments when she felt loved and special. Those moments have far outweighed the rest. These were the moments which have been the light at the end of the tunnel-a tunnel she was still traveling through.

She stopped her writing for a short while as she sat and remembered all.  Especially those memories filled with him. His heartbeat, his touch, his laughter-he was the only true love in her life.  Now, he was so far away-her heart broke each time she thought about it.  He was also in the same place.  Plans had been disturbed and side-tracked with things beyond the control of either one of them.  The plans have been revamped-step by step, as he says.  She was always on a see-saw-but always a see-saw filled with love.  He would be home soon-he said so therefore she believes.  She has to believe-it is what is left. He made her believe again…their time was coming.

Sighing heavily she went back to her writing-then she once more-she stopped.

Her mind went back in time to when she was a child.  It was Christmas Eve; the house was dark and warm.  She was under the covers anticipating Santa’s visit.  When she saw who actually left her toys on her bed-her small heart just stopped.  Mom and Dad were placing a new doll at the foot of her bed-then they left to leave more toys around the tree.  There was no Santa-it was a harsh reality for such a small child. 

It was then she started to question her faith in the unbelievable-her small world shaken. That particular memory did not make her flinch.  If anything she became more analytical-logical.  That became her shield in life.  She questioned everything! She always found an argument pro or con.  Her Dad always said she should have been an attorney.  She always found an answer.  Not always the best one but it always finished any argument or proved the point she was trying to make.  She laughed out loud.  Gawd those were some arguments they had.  They were just too much alike.  She missed him.

Yes, her parents never held her back.  She learned to respect the point of view of others.  She accepted change-not always easily but she did flow with it.  Mostly, she became an independent spirit.  She was always the strange one-her family called her the “rebel”-she wasn’t but that is the way it fell in her life.  Wild child is really what she was underneath all the outer pinning of what society would call proper. 

Even the broken nose a few years later resulting from a misunderstanding-was hidden by the proper phrases.

Wow, memory lane time.  She had to try to write-try to get her stride back. The keystrokes were swift but still she deleted all she wrote.  There was a missing spirit in her words.

All round the edge of her mind were echoes of past experiences, memories, wants-desires.  Just on the edge-waiting to come in from the shadows.  Dark things, nasty things then there were those that were sprinkled with light and love.  These were the ones she desperately wanted to come back to her.  It was difficult-beyond difficult.

They came back in pieces-like her writing. Fragmented; lacking substance-filled with fear or filled with wonder which quickly evaporates upon the light of day.  She felt she needed to redeem herself but the cost was high-maybe too high.  She felt she always had a gun to her head.  One wrong move and her existence would be wiped away.

She remembers well other times in the past feeling like this.  She remembers the loss, the loneliness.  It was the darkness that she could not escape then. Her soul was in constant pain-worse she lost the desire to live.  She did not want to visit that dark place again.  She was nearly lost-swallowed whole.

Echoes, that is all. Just echoes of things past and no shade of the future to be seen. These shades had life only if she allowed them to interfere with her present. The one echo-the only echo she needed was the one that lit the end of the tunnel.

She tried once again but it was useless. Her concentration was lost for the moment.  She needed to make a decision and chose a path; she can’t be a victim anymore.  She shut down the laptop.  She needed to clear her mind.  At least-for the moment, she is walking away from the shades of the past which still echoed in her mind.

©2011 december/cb

Diary Date November 6

The day started out easy enough.  The rain woke me with its incessant beating against my bedroom window.  It is just another day of taking one breath after another-not life.  I feel the warmth of my body but there is no warmth beside me.  I am alone.

The central heat kicked in again.  It tells me that the night was chilly enough for the computer to know that the humans within the house would be cold.  Imagine that!  I wonder if we would survive without the computers in our lives.  They seem to guide our daily moments in our lives.  Well, at least in mine it does.  Would I be able to survive without it?  I wonder…

With that thought in mind, I rose into the slightly cool air and proceeded to dress.  It helped to feel the cool.  At least, the lethargy that gets to me everyday seems to leave me-if at least for a few moments.  If I were to be honest with myself, it is not lethargy-it is depression. 

There was a time in my life where I just floated along in life.  It did not matter how I did things.  I always managed to get by.  I was able to help others because it came easy to me.  I could find what I needed-it seemed that all I needed to do was just reach out and there it was.  These days it does not happen as often.  Maybe, just maybe, I have stopped believing in happy endings.   Maybe I have lost control of my own destiny.

I am just a vessel without direction.  There was no need to hurry.  No place to be, no appointments-worse-no one to be with.  These days are becoming a way of life now. 

©2011 november/cb

9/11...a decade later

you know...i was at work early...really early on that day. we had a meeting that was going to happen that day. it never did.

i had the television on...it was 6am-just for the noise. i glanced up to see a news report about a plane crashing into one of the towers. my thought..."what an idiot! who flys that low in NYC!" then the next one struck. i was appalled but when i heard that the pentagon was struck. at that point i knew we were at war. the only thing was...with whom???

then my thoughts turned to the people trying to escape. i had friends and a family member in that inferno that day. they did not make it. the feeling of helplessness and then of anger at the way our nation was attacked. all i could think of at the time was-nothing. i was numb. crying.

it only took a few moments for the security we all felt in this country to be shattered. we have been trying to get it back since. the one thing that saddens me is that innocent people of all races and beliefs died in this attack. we crucified many using religion as the common denominator. it was sad to see that a country..our country used this. our own foundation was due to the freedom of religion and here we were-laying blame on many due to religion.

over the years i saw hatred aimed at the believers of Islam. i saw many also aim hatred at those who defended them. within the community of Muslims-they condemned the fools who did this to not just them but to the world. i also saw that many started to see the human side of the believers. it made me feel better knowing that some sense was finally coming back into

this country i love.

the one thing i do not want to see again-is attacks within our borders. i think those days are gone. we are attacked from within-not by a religion but by fools whose aim is to destroy and disrupt our society with the violent hatred they harbor toward anyone not like them.

the land of the free is still the land of the free. we may carry some scars but we will persevere and just keep growing stronger-even with all the stupidity going on in our government. the people in this wonderful country will overcome obstacles.

Warned...

yea…told me once.

you told me twice.

but did i listen…nope.

i just kept coming back for more.

i thought that maybe with time you would see.

i mean really see!

you did…but only what you wanted to see. 

so i left you a note-hoping you would read it.

i found an empty space instead.

you became busier than usual

i found that i wasn’t as sad as i thought i would be

in fact, what i found was a feeling of peace.

strange that it took a bitch to make me look deeper

at the time it seemed important

you seemed important.

now-my path has opened onto another road

now-you are warned

once and only once

open your eyes

because now-it is my turn-it is my time

© Sept 09, 2011/cb

Conversation with Daddy

I can't believe that you've been gone so long now. I still hear your voice and hear your sage advice. It has only been a short three years in time but for me it has been an eternity.

I just wanted to talk with you-hear those awful jokes you always told to make all of us laugh.  Most especially those jokes you told when you knew I was angry with you for some stupid thing.  Yes, it was usually me getting upset over things that went wrong but still-I miss your jokes.

You know, since the day you were buried at the mausoleum-I have not been back. That is not where you are for me.  The place smells of death-quiet.  That is not a place for you.  You were always the life of the party.  Joking with everyone and making sure that everyone was comfortable.  I am sure that you probably have tried to liven up that dead place but I don't think our ancestors there had much of a sense of humor.  In fact, they probably kicked you out and you were probably laughing because you wanted to leave! Oh Daddy...it is not right that you are in that cold place alone.

Well, I am not here to cry-I am crying because I do miss you but honestly-that is not the reason for our conversation today.  

What I wanted to tell you Daddy is that I am finally at peace with myself.  Yes, some things have been difficult and many changes have happened since you left.

It was a good thing you were not here to see those changes.  You would have been very sad and you would not have been able to help.  Graduations have been accomplished, divorces and some upcoming marriages as well! 

The marriage is why I am here today with you.  Yes Daddy, mine. I have to laugh because now I know that you cannot bring out the shotgun as you did when I was younger.  You managed to scare off a few suitors but not this one Daddy. He is not the kind to run away.  You would like him.  In fact, you both have much in common.  One is that you both love me!  Mostly Daddy, you would approve of him, he is a good man with a kind heart; intelligent and knows his way in this world.  Your politics might clash but that is okay.  It is good for the heart to have the blood flowing with some controversy. 

I wish you were here to give your blessing.  You know me, I don't want your consent-just your understanding and maybe a smile or two. 

Anyway, Daddy, you are in my heart always.  On my wedding day, you will be at my side as well.

I will be back later-to talk a little more. 

I am always be your little girl....

© cb-sept 2011

Conversación con Papá 

No puedo creer que ha pasado tanto tiempo. Todavía oigo su voz y puedo escuchar tus sabios consejos. Sólo ha sido unos cortos tres años en el tiempo, pero para mí ha sido una eternidad. 

Yo sólo quería hablar contigo - oír esos chistes horribles tuyos y que siempre nos hace a todos reír. Muy especialmente aquellas bromas de los que me decias  cuando estaba enojada contogo  por alguna estupidez. Sí, fue por lo general-you quien estaba enojada por cosas que salian mal, pero aún echo de menos tus chistes. 

Sabes, desde el día en que te enterraon en el mausoleo-Yo no he vuelto. Ese lugar no es lo que tú eres para mí. Ese lugar huele a muerte-silenciosa. Que no es un lugar para ti. Siempre fuiste el alma de la fiesta. Bromeando con todo el mundo y asegurarse de que todos al tu arrededor estaban cómodos. Estoy muy segura de que has tratado de darle vida a este lugar muerto, pero no creo que nuestros antepasados  tenían mucho sentido del humor. De hecho, es probable que te expulsaron y tu te reías debido a que querías salir! Aye papá ... no es justo que te encuentres en ese lugar frío y solo. 

Bueno, yo no estoy aquí para llorar.  Si lloro pero es porque te echo de menos. La verdad es, tengo otra razón para nuestra conversación de hoy. 

Lo que quiero decirte Papá es que finalmente estoy en paz conmigo misma. Sí,es cierto-algunas cosas han sido difíciles y muchos cambios han ocurrido desde que te fuiste. 

Fue una suerte que no estabas aquí para ver los cambios. La tristesa en tu Corazon te hubiera matado de seguro y no habiera manera de poder ayudar. Graduaciones se han cumplido, los divorcios y algunos matrimonios próximo también!

Sobre el matrimonio es el por que estoy aquí hoy contigo. Sí papá, es la mía. Me tengo que reír, porque ahora sé que no se puede llevar a cabo la escopeta como lo has hecho cuando era más joven. Se las arregló para asustar a algunos pretendientes, pero no a pa él papá-él no es el tipo de huir. De hecho, ambos tienen mucho en común y uno de ellos es que ambos me quieren mucho! Sobre todo papá, él es un buen hombre con un corazón bondadoso, inteligente y conoce su camino en este mundo. Su política puede estar en contradicción, pero eso está bien. Es bueno para el corazón que la sangre que fluye con una cierta controversia. 

Me gustaría que estuvieras aquí no tanto por tu bendición. Tu me conoces, yo no quiero tu consentimiento, sólo tu comprensión y tal vez una sonrisa ….o dos. 

De todos modos, Papá, estás en mi corazón siempre. El día de mi boda, estarás a mi lado también.

Volveré más al rato y seguimos platicando. 

Siempre soy y seria ciendo tu niña .... 

© cb-sept 2011

i live

and it is not for you.

it is for me and for the things that i want. 

am i resigning from life?  

naw…

maybe from yours as you do not appreciate me.

you have so much shit you are carrying within you

it will take a miracle for you to see past the stink of it.

i pity you as much as i love you

our paths crossed becoming one then dividing

but still within sight of each other.

you have only to reach out

touch me as you once did

the difference is that i may not reach back…

so yes…i now live for one thing only

you taught me that

shut the world out and just become a machine…

© cb-june 2011

Sand and Fog

I am walking on sand with an uneven gait. I feel the fog rolling around me; surrounding me-touching me with its chill…. 

If it’s not broke…don’t fix it.  This is something that I have heard all my life.  Yet, I will try to fix things that maybe should just be left alone.  I am sure that there are good reasons for it-but at the moment they simply evade me.  This thought has been with me for awhile now.

Changes have hit me lately and they are still changing around me-inside me.  Life kicking me in the ass or maybe it was just the simple fact that I had the wrong friend.  I think that is more it than anything else.  I do have to chuckle a little-I remember being a judgmental bitch at one point in my life.  Life turned around and did the same to me by another.  The cycle will not end-it will keep going until lessons are learned.  My lesson was learned a long time ago but karma still had some life left for me.  Hopefully this is the last of it.  I have to learn not to trust; maybe that will save some grief.   

Today I was asked a question. It killed me and needless to say, it also blurred my vision as tears filled my eyes.  Mom is not well and my daughter sees this as well.  She asked if we would be homeless if grandma died.  My family is not kind-they see only the money that will be theirs when mom passes on.  We have continued to live with Mom since Dad’s death.  I told her not to worry; when the time comes things will be as they are supposed to be.  Well at least that is my hope.  I can’t tell her that I am also very worried about this.  Now is not the time for changes; our protection died with my Father.  These days it is I who is protecting Mom; she is fading fast.

Someone once told me that his family had the trappings of wealth yet when anyone looked deeper-the reality is very different.  People see what they want to see and place their expectations upon that person.  When I look at things around me I remember that statement and wonder if my reality is what people see or imagine. 

…I am cold and I cannot get warm.   I hear the sounds of the waves crashing on the rocks below.  The lonely sound of the foghorn cuts through the fog.  It does little to soothe my soul.

 © july 4 2011/cb

Living Ink

My fingers slowly trace the lines of the last letter you wrote to me.  Funny how with the simple sensation of the ink raised upon a simple sheet of paper can invoke such memories - feelings.  My eyes slowly well with tears – there is too much pain still.

Still holding that precious sheet of tangible memory, I take a deep breath to hold myself together.  I try to clear my mind, still my heart, quiet my soul but it does me no good.  At unexpected times of the day – it hits with a vengeance.  Try as I might I can’t let go.

It has been four years but still you are deep inside me.  The flavor of your skin and your scent is still embedded in my memory.  Your laughter resonates in my mind – I hear your voice at odd times.  There are times where I see you or at least that is what my eyes seem to think.

This letter – this living ink – is all that is left of you.  We live on in my mind and I am going crazy….

© cb-june 2011

Soul Path

From the moment she spoke with him she knew there was something there-a connection that could not be denied.  There was a comfort-a warmth-a desire that was felt.  It was a line of electricity-a path that was travelled before though neither one of them knew it at the time.

Old souls-isn’t it what they call it?  No wait-soul mates; yes that was it.  How many times had she had this conversation with her friends; all of us gathered in a bar or at dinner while we spouted the beatitudes of soul mates. Nothing prepared her for what happened tonight.  She was floored!  She had never felt this instant recognition of another soul before.  To know his touch before it was even upon her skin.  To feel his heartbeat-his scent-his laughter!  She never thought-well maybe she over-thought!

It had started out slowly-a lovers dance.  Slow, sensual in every nuance.  Conversation was easy-the small gestures were natural. The feeling of trust was mutual.  It was not questioned at all.  As the evening progressed; they became lost in each other’s eyes-drowning within each other.  Before they realized what was happening-here they were.

His touch set off electricity within her.  Her reactions were swift and sure-it was what he craved-needed.  She knew his needs as sure as she knew her own; without hesitation she followed where her soul led.  She was inside him; his mind; his heart; his soul.  She closed her eyes and his touch took over her body.  His lips; tongue; his tenderness; his scent-all combined in a heady perfume. Their mutual need fueled their passions combining and entwining their souls even more. Where he led-she followed blindly; mirroring all of his moves without thought-just instinct.  The night passed into the early morning hours.  Passionate moaning hit crescendos neither had experienced in the recent past-nothing prepared them for the explosions within them.  It left them drained but happy.

She turned to watch his face as the moonlight softly lit his features.  His face strong and masculine yet there was a softness about it.  Never mind the shadow growing on his face-she wanted to touch him but feared waking him.  His dark hair tousled from the nights love-making was endearing to her. Instead she snuggled up closer to him; he turned and with a naturalness of habit; he put his arms around her and held her.

His words still whispered in her mind “The path of my soul is toward you”…

©2011 may/cb

Betrayed

She drove through traffic with a huge smile on her face;

“Oh I love the feel of you.  You are mine. You will never leave me.  I will decide when to get rid of you and not the other way around”. 

She purred as she caressed the steering wheel.  Yes she was enjoying this ride-not as luxurious as the last one but still she had to appreciate the feel-suddenly she felt her stomach turn-she pulled over-nausea hit her.  Her mind was working overtime as she picked up the phone.  Her hands tight upon the boost mobile she paged her husband.  He answered in what seemed hours;

“Mercedes how do you like the car?”

He asked.  Her heart slowed down as she answered

“It’s beautiful!  How can I not like it?  But…I am afraid.  The last time you gave me a new car, it was because of Linda.  You cheated with…with her and I was rewarded with a new car.  A conscious wiped clean with a gift.  Is it like this now?”  Her nausea worsened while she waited for his answer.

“I am glad that you like it.  No. No. That is not the reason for the gift. Will you ever forgive me?  Look I am just finishing with a meeting here at the hospital.  I should be home in a couple of hours.  I’ll meet you there”

“Are you sure?  Who are you with?  Tell me!” her hands were trembling.

“I promise you my love.  There is no one else. Please, I have patients waiting.”

“Alright my love, I will see you then”

Still she had her doubts.  She slowed down to make a right turn; it was then that she looked up and realized that her screaming instincts were correct.  The car had been a gift of guilt-another woman-another sin.  There he was embracing a woman outside a luxurious townhome-he did not see her.  Rage started to fill her.

A few hours before; he was in bed trying to get into a romantic mood.  He couldn’t so he just got out of bed and dressed.

“Not again!  What is wrong this time?”  She pouted as she tried to bring him back into bed.

“NO.  I just can’t today.  I am not in the mood” Truth was he was getting tired of her.

“Are you sure that you are not in the mood or could it be that you are getting tired of me?  You better not or I will have a story to tell.  You know how your wife will react.”   She said in a very snippy voice.

Hearing her tone, he decided he would smooth things over for the moment.  He did not need any more drama.

“Sweetheart, Kristy, I promise I will make it better.  Just give me some time.  I need to dress and get home.  I have business worries. ”

In the hallway, as they were walking toward the entrance-his phone rang.  It was Mercedes. As he was as he was talking to her and trying to placate her, Kristy walked away in disgust.  He hurriedly finished his conversation with Mercedes and ran after Kristy.  He could not afford another scandal.

He remembered the last time.  It had been about 3 years ago; he had been in one of the examination rooms with Linda, the new secretary.  She was 22 and he could not resist.  He had been bedding her for a few months-his appetite for her just increasing.  Mercedes herself walked into the room not expecting to find him exposed as he was with Linda.  She had surprised them both.  The shock on her face mixing with the tears that started to flow almost left him limp-almost. He had pulled up his pants and ran after her, leaving Linda to fend for herself.  He knew he had to do something or he would lose his business.  Linda had sworn she would get even after he fired her.  That story of her pregnancy was just that-a story. There has been no word from her since that day.  He had stopped worrying.

He caught Kristy just as she reached the street.  He took her in his arms and kissed her. 

“Don’t get angry.  I promise things will get better” He was hoping that this would calm her down.

Kristy responded simply with a look, then

“Don’t worry.  I promise not to bother you anymore.” 

She turned quickly and almost ran.  She was not going to tell him that she was pregnant.

Frustrated he started after her but realized he was late.  Taking a quick look at his watch he turned to cross the street to his car.

Mercedes just saw red. All reason was swept from her mind.  She left the car with gun in hand.  She stood by one of the garden columns and watched as her husband kissed this woman.  She was blinded by her rage and hurt. 

“Funny how life repeats itself” was the thought Linda had on her mind.  She was watching from across the street at the scene being played out before her.  Not too long ago she was in that woman’s shoes.  He played with her, made her think there was a future. He got rid of her like a used rag.  She went through her pregnancy alone and without support.  Anger stirred in her.  Her breathing came in harder breaths.  Ever since that day when he had laughed at her and then fired her, she had sought revenge.  It looked like the perfect opportunity has presented itself.  She would get even with him and with Mercedes.  She watched as Mercedes left the car with the gun.  The car was still running-she was in a hurry. Now was her chance. 

A shot rang out as the woman ran past her.  In horror she watched her new car start to gather speed striking a man as he crossed the street-screeching away leaving him lifeless.  The woman’s body hit the ground showing no signs of life. The gun was still smoking in her hand.  Her screams echoed in her mind and would not stop.

©2011 feb/cb

Valentine's Day Card

I shopped and shopped for the PERFECT card

But alas-there was not one to be had!

So in despair there came an idea

What better than to write an original one!

So here I am-writing and writing

Many drafts are scattered about me on the floor

My frustration growing more-desperation stepping in

I close my eyes for a moment-taking a deep breath

Now my pen starts to flow

Words start to bleed from the pen tip

Stroke upon stroke-periods and commas

Capital letters and exclamation points

My heart-my love-my everything!

How many times can one say that?

How many different ways are there?

Poets of the ages have won me on this

After what seems hours

Finally I take a long look at what I have written

My eyes start to tear; my heart trembles

A realization hits home true

Taking a clean piece of parchment

With fluid and graceful hand I write

“I love You!”

Simple and sincere

My Valentine’s Day card

Sent to you with pure and simple love

Desire contained in that simple phrase

Sealed with a kiss

©2011 feb/cb