Sand and Fog

I am walking on sand with an uneven gait. I feel the fog rolling around me; surrounding me-touching me with its chill…. 

If it’s not broke…don’t fix it.  This is something that I have heard all my life.  Yet, I will try to fix things that maybe should just be left alone.  I am sure that there are good reasons for it-but at the moment they simply evade me.  This thought has been with me for awhile now.

Changes have hit me lately and they are still changing around me-inside me.  Life kicking me in the ass or maybe it was just the simple fact that I had the wrong friend.  I think that is more it than anything else.  I do have to chuckle a little-I remember being a judgmental bitch at one point in my life.  Life turned around and did the same to me by another.  The cycle will not end-it will keep going until lessons are learned.  My lesson was learned a long time ago but karma still had some life left for me.  Hopefully this is the last of it.  I have to learn not to trust; maybe that will save some grief.   

Today I was asked a question. It killed me and needless to say, it also blurred my vision as tears filled my eyes.  Mom is not well and my daughter sees this as well.  She asked if we would be homeless if grandma died.  My family is not kind-they see only the money that will be theirs when mom passes on.  We have continued to live with Mom since Dad’s death.  I told her not to worry; when the time comes things will be as they are supposed to be.  Well at least that is my hope.  I can’t tell her that I am also very worried about this.  Now is not the time for changes; our protection died with my Father.  These days it is I who is protecting Mom; she is fading fast.

Someone once told me that his family had the trappings of wealth yet when anyone looked deeper-the reality is very different.  People see what they want to see and place their expectations upon that person.  When I look at things around me I remember that statement and wonder if my reality is what people see or imagine. 

…I am cold and I cannot get warm.   I hear the sounds of the waves crashing on the rocks below.  The lonely sound of the foghorn cuts through the fog.  It does little to soothe my soul.

 © july 4 2011/cb

Disconnect

“Damnit!!!”

Cursing out loud; she breathed in deeply. She thought she could handle it.  No wait, she was lying to herself.  She knew she could not.  When he had asked a few weeks back, she ignored the question hoping that maybe it was just rhetoric.  Sadly, it was not.

It has been such a great time.  The connection was awesome between them.  Normally she did not get attached so quickly but she found herself looking forward to talking with him.  Soon it turned into more but that damn statement of his.  He sure got through her walls.

“Damnit! Damnit!! Damnit!!!” 

Her eyes welled with tears.  She stubbornly wiped them away.   Good thing she held it together until he left.  Her heart was still pounding with pain.  She needed to disconnect somehow.  Unplug those feelings.  She bit her lower lip as she held back pain. 

Men!  But then it was her fault too.  She allowed herself to become involved knowing that there may be nothing there and he had a roving eye.

“Disconnect, need to disconnect” 

Those were her last thoughts as she drifted into troubled sleep.

©2011 feb/cb

Heroes Need Not Apply

Heroes do not exist-at least not in life

Promises are made but never fulfilled

Dreams are just that-dreams

He stood before me this self proclaimed hero

Only to crumble before me as danger neared

Leaving me to face the darkness-alone

Leaving deep wounds which seep and will not heal

Gangrene takes over on infected limbs which need to be cut

Crippling one in more ways than just in the heart

Such a fool he found in me-an idiot!

A believer in fantasy and romantic liaison

Following the stars streaking across the sky

Heroes need not apply-not anymore

Too much blood is shed from wicked wounds

It hurts too much when they walk away

© 2010 28 june/cb