Diary Date November 6

The day started out easy enough.  The rain woke me with its incessant beating against my bedroom window.  It is just another day of taking one breath after another-not life.  I feel the warmth of my body but there is no warmth beside me.  I am alone.

The central heat kicked in again.  It tells me that the night was chilly enough for the computer to know that the humans within the house would be cold.  Imagine that!  I wonder if we would survive without the computers in our lives.  They seem to guide our daily moments in our lives.  Well, at least in mine it does.  Would I be able to survive without it?  I wonder…

With that thought in mind, I rose into the slightly cool air and proceeded to dress.  It helped to feel the cool.  At least, the lethargy that gets to me everyday seems to leave me-if at least for a few moments.  If I were to be honest with myself, it is not lethargy-it is depression. 

There was a time in my life where I just floated along in life.  It did not matter how I did things.  I always managed to get by.  I was able to help others because it came easy to me.  I could find what I needed-it seemed that all I needed to do was just reach out and there it was.  These days it does not happen as often.  Maybe, just maybe, I have stopped believing in happy endings.   Maybe I have lost control of my own destiny.

I am just a vessel without direction.  There was no need to hurry.  No place to be, no appointments-worse-no one to be with.  These days are becoming a way of life now. 

©2011 november/cb

Pristine Pages

She opened her journal to write her daily thoughts-only today it was difficult- unusual for her. She felt scattered and a little torn inside. So many things were attacking her mind and her spirit. The pages before her - pristine and pure - screamed for her pen. Yet she could not bring herself to write. Her thoughts were in a whirl of mixed emotions and frustration. Her pen could not find the right word to be able to flow.



It has been three months of wondrous feelings and amazement since HE showed up in her life. She has not been able to stop smiling since that first night. Chewing on the tip of her pen with a smile she remembered how they met. It was really more of a re-meeting than anything else. They had actually been friends for awhile. She had counted him no more than that but something awoke inside her that night. The look in his eyes and his smile just spoke to her heart. She found herself feeling happy and she laughed as she had never laughed before! She felt as if she were waking from a dream to find that her reality was standing there next to her.


Since then they walked many paths and spoke about many things as time permitted. They walked to the shore and played at the water’s edge. They even built fires to stay warm when the weather became cold. Their favorite spot was the moss covered ancient archway; the site of their first kiss. He held her hand with such tenderness and warmth; that has never gone away. When the time was right, this happened often, that tenderness translated into such wonderful passion. She sighed deeply as she remembered those times.



Her face contorted into a frown as she thought about the last few weeks; there have been breakdowns. She was confused as sometimes what she would say would be taken out of context. Many times, she just took on the blame. Maybe it was her mind that could not grasp what he was saying. Too many times she felt bewildered-confused-hurt. She knew it was her and the way she was interpreting things. Yet despite her confusion she knew that he was special to her. Her feelings were definitely there but maybe she still needed to do something else...she was confused!!



The sea air and the sandy shore could not loosen the words locked inside her. The turmoil she had inside did not help her impotent pen. No words of anger or frustration. No words of love or romance. No words came to her pen. Her pristine pages of her journal unmarred but for a single tear splashing upon it.







© 2010 2 jun/cb