spawn

painful and swollen is my belly


filled with the spawn of the evil lord


my swollen breasts dripping acid tainted milk


sweat is streaming down my face







animal wimpers coming from my throat


heavy with desire to be rid of this malignancy


pain racking my entire body along with heavy panting


watching the waves of birth rolling on my body







small fingers with pointed claws ripping from the inside


eager to see the light of the world waiting for it


no - not the world but the darkness of the night


where the moon rules and fire burns







feral growls now erupt from a throat no longer my own


forgotten are innocent dreams


my eyes are now clouded over - red rimmed


obedient to one will; it is not my own

 



my moral fiber destroyed long ago


night is wrapping itself around me


from far away there is a howl


my mind is now lost







darkness swells and bursting forth


my festered womb no longer can abide


torrid hatred and pus spews forth


feeding the ground below with my spawn









© 2010 October 28/cb

A Passing Thought

Her eyes filled with tears as the pain in her heart started up again. She scanned the crowd around her. She saw some familiar faces but she did not see the ones she expected. There was quietness in the air around her. She closed her eyes for a moment...




1910 was the year she came into this world. Electricity was an exciting thing in her small town – along with the automobile and telephone! How she laughed as she remembered how she waited with anticipation to hear the operator to let the family know they had a call waiting! She clearly heard the rattle of the automobiles of the day – nothing like the autos of today but it was an exciting time! She watched the children play and wished she could play too.



Her Mama and Papa were always strict with her – making her observe the decorum of the day. She often wondered how it would feel not to have to always be so prim and proper. She was a spoiled princess to her parents. They provided as much as they could for her. Life was always wonderful and filled with wonderful things. She was scheduled to take a European trip the spring following her graduation. It was October when she found Mama crying in the garden. Papa was nowhere to be seen. She was confused and asked where he was but Mama just hugged her – telling her that they would be alright. Some things may change but they would be alright. She later learned that that day was called Black Tuesday – the year was 1929. The days of the family wealth ended on that day – and the life of her Papa. She was so young then. Barely 19 years old! She must admit that she was no raving beauty – not even as a young woman. She did not have a dowry any longer or any suitors. At the time life looked very bleak. Her life change forever that day.



Softly sighing she opened her eyes again. The quiet in the air was still there but it felt just a little warmer than before. The light was soft, urging her to close her eyes...



Time went by and she got her wish! She learned how to walk and run without all the niceties of society. Her chaperone was her Mama. The fine house was gone and so were the servants. She learned to turn her skills of embroidery into a business. The ten years of the Great Depression, as it became known, flew by, she emerged a grown woman. Papa would have been amazed – Mama still had trouble with the change in their circumstances but she did as all in her position did; she accepted with grace what was handed to her, still dreaming of the old days. Mama still waited for Papa to come home. She finally joined him just before the end of the Depression. Walking away from their gravesite, she now knew she was really alone.



It was a few years later that she met Henri. He was such a nice and decent man. Her heart did not run away with her as with so many other younger women at the time. She was now 38 – considered an “Old Maid” but she was a woman with a business and a sharp mind. She knew her worth and she was careful. Henri was from an old family of European decent – German. He had the old world manners and no vices that she knew of. Their courtship lasted 2 years and they set a date for the wedding. Time had taken care of any fears and they grew to love each other deeply. Life had different plans. Henri had to take care of family issues in Germany. It was 1940 and Jews were not very welcome in Germany. Henri did not make it back to the States. She learned of his fate through the American Embassy – a family connection who still kept in contact. She cried for many months when she thought she was alone. Life was not fair to her! She had his ring and the memories of their planned life together. That ring never left her finger – she never took it off.



The years flew by as work became her center. There was no time for any personal relationships. She did her duty with her family. Aunts, Uncles, cousins - they all received her attention. She knew she was talked about behind her back but that was alright. She had become accustomed to being called the Maiden Aunt.



She had taken a trip to Europe on the pretext of a vacation. She stopped in Berlin to try to find out more as to Henri’s fate. Her fears were confirmed what she was told years ago – he was taken by the Gestapo and never seen again. Her heart was torn apart knowing that she would never really know what happened to him. She cried herself to sleep for many nights after that trip. She vowed never to marry. Instead, she filled the large house that she and Henri were to have lived in, with antiques. She filled it with the things they talked about. It was not filled with children – they were never to be. A small tear fell from the corner of her eye as this memory filled her mind.



With the passing of time she was witness to more wars; Korea, Vietnam, the Middle East and more. She was in awe at the moon landings and the technology which came about. She saw the children of her cousins grow and begin lives of their own. The loss of a family was something she deeply regretted. How she wished that Henri was still with her!



In the last 30 years, she left the business in the hands of others as she had grown old. The large rambling house was now a memory. It was given to charity – a shelter for abused women and children. She now lived in a penthouse – secluded from the majority of society. Her only contact was her maid of many years of service and the occasional visit from the many nieces and nephews. She preferred the quiet life and did not miss the business world as much as she thought she would.



Her eyes fluttered open – the room was now darkening and there were some sounds which she could not recognize. She was tired; just a few more moments of sleep would not harm her…



Her personal physician pronounced her dead on October 1, 2010. She was 100 years old. The family gathered, as families do, at the death of a loved one. The greed in the room was palatable as they anticipated the millions to be inherited. She did not disappoint them. Her money was left to charity – every cent. Her funeral was a sad affair – though her death was published – it was a private affair with little mourners in attendance.



She watched from a distance. No one was here to mourn her – no one that mattered to her. It was a small crowd of business associates and some family members. It was good that her fortune was left to those who needed. She had made the right choice. She heard her name whispered. Henri!! He looked the same; just as she remembered him. She took his hand as the sunlight filtered through the clouds. She left her life behind with the mourners at the gravesite; it was just a passing thought.





© 2010 October 24/cb

Bits'n Pieces of Used Things

Today has been a day of so many hurried changes!

After about 15 months of unemployment - I have work again!

Yes, I am very happy as it is what I was searching for.

Now - my changes today kinda have to do with that work tomorrow.

Today - I took the car I bought LAST Saturday

and

bought a different car.

Yes - crazy huh?  well it has a saga.

Last Saturday, I bought a 2001 Ford Taurus SE.

Loaded and pristine!

I drove it that day for about 2 hours, left it alone for a day sitting in the driveway.

Monday came about and yes, you guessed it.

No ignition!!

To me it sounded like the alternator but it could be a dead battery.

Since the battery was new - doubtful!

However, I called the dealer and the owner himself came to my rescue.

The car started up and as instructed, I let it run to charge the battery.

Now remember, it is a new battery.

Next morning, I expected that pretty motor purr...

Nada..zip..nothing!  Not even the ticking of an alternator going bad!

So, once again, here comes the owner but he brought with him 

the mechanics and off they went with my car.

Three days later, I have the car.  The motor performing beautifully!

Since the car leaked a HUGE oil slick - he changed the master cylinder.

Just to be safe.

Checked the electrical system - just to be safe.

I ran the car all over the place. Freeway and street driving.

Parked it but in reverse to check for that oil slick again.

Yes, I have been known to actually use my head! lol!

Saturday morning - once again - it did not start.

This time, the owner showed with 3 mechanics.

The car would not start despite all the best efforts.   Now I am starting to stress.

I made a list:

As I was driving the night before one of the belts was starting to go.

Yes, the horrible cricket sound just got embarrassingly louder and louder!

The dash lights only lit up half way along with the lights for the gearbox.

Part of the door fell off - a cosmetic thing.

Now, I think what is really happening with the car - ignition issues connected with the alarm system.

*sigh*

So, the owner could not tow the car away as his tow service was not available.

Instead, today - Sunday, they picked me up

and

I was presented with a newer car.

2009 VW New Beetle.

No - not a turbo but still it is a car I am familiar with.

It is cute and very bright YELLOW!

Black leather interior and an awesome sound system.

A 5 Speed!!  Yeah!!!!

My inner demon is coming out!

The most important thing for me was that I had bought from a very ethical dealer.

In California, we do not have lemon laws.

We can return a car within 2 days - provided we purchase that option at signing.

Something I did not do as I did not anticipate this saga at all.

If the car had issues, you better have purchased the extended warranty and deal with the expenses.

psst...i did buy the warranty but the dealer decided to play very nice!

I was very lucky and I am counting my blessings.

Now, I can rest and not stress.

The old car will be gone tomorrow when they pick it up with the tow truck

and

most importantly, while I am at work.

;)

*here is where i should put a pic...but i don't have one!*

Now, time to pick out my outfit for tomorrow! :D

The Arch of Time

He saw what had become of his creation

His patience worn thin from centuries of waiting

He reached down and broke the Arch of Time

Releasing all the demons; as the Devil himself

Danced upon the earth; rejoicing in God’s final impatience

Gleefully laughing as he saw the pending destruction of man

The Devil released the plagues of centuries past

Mother Earth trembled in fear; releasing fires deep inside

Neptune let the fury of the oceans take its toll upon the earth

The battle between the Good and the Bad

Played itself out in the battlefields of the sky

Rage, blood and tears ravaged the lands of the earth

Finally, what was left of man in all his wisdom; saw what his folly had wrought

They fell upon their knees; they all held hands as one nation, one family

Begged for forgiveness as they saw their final death arrive

God walked through the broken Arch; finally taking pity upon man

As He did once before, He visited the mountain but in the form of man

He met with the last of mankind; bound them with new laws

Man lost his God given right of choice; he betrayed himself

Man glorified himself in the name of God; forgetting he was but a man

Now he was truly chained to the God he fought so hard to make others take

Mankind saw too late; devotion takes many forms

There were ways to live in peace; all were ignored

Man crucified himself without rhyme or reason

On the brink of destruction; saved by God Himself

Finally eyes were open; all faiths became one

As the rainbow crossed the skies above; over the mountain of God

© 2010 18 sept/cb

Breathe

It was the last experiment of the government in an effort to turn the environment around.  Sadly, all it did was hasten the end of what little there was left.  The earth now was hostile to human life.  The key now was to survive and that meant finding water and finding shelter during the day as the sun was merciless. 

“God help me” she thought with a heavy sigh as she dragged herself up from the ground.  “When is this going to get any better? When will it finally be over?” 

It seemed like a lifetime ago when all seemed normal.  The earth was green and vibrant with creatures of all kinds in abundance.  That was before the government decided to get greedy and power hungry, passing laws which broke the environment.  She was so young when the earth started to turn brown and the temperatures soared to unbearable degrees.   The family home was the last refuge for her and her parents.  She remembered the cool tiles as she lay down to rest for naps then later for sleeping at night when she dreamed of the stars.  That evening was the last time she saw the stars and her parents.  There was a brilliant light followed by a blast that pulverized everything.  It brought down buildings with people sheltering within them. There cries of fear and pain filling the air as the blast sucked up their lives. It destroyed her home, killing her parents as they pushed her under a concrete bench, saving her life, seconds before the beams holding up the house crashed down on them.  The sight of those last moments was the legacy left to her by that disaster before she blacked out.  Sometime later, she did not know as to when, she awoke to a world of darkness.  It took her a little time to realize that the blackness was not evening.  She could feel the heat of the day.  It was then that the full impact hit her.  She was blind.  She learned to stay hidden during the day and search for food under the cover of night.  She learned to trust her senses as she had no choice.

As she dusted off her dress she could only imagine what it looked like now.   She lost what was left of her family and home, what was once a safe heaven.  The dust clogged her nostrils as her hands broke the dirt beneath.  She gazed into the distance, smirking to herself, as she could only rely on memory and touch to know what her reality was.  All she could feel was broken earth which in her mind, it looked like mosaic tiles reminding her of the floor at home.  She shook her head to clear that memory as the home no longer existed.  It has been such a long time without water and she wanted to drink, wash and just be human again.  She had been searching the land for some sign of moisture without any luck. 

“Rewind...slow down...breathe” Her litany of survival which she repeated to herself.

With practiced will she became attuned to her surroundings.  The slight breeze told her that there was a storm on the horizon, maybe one with water but it did not feel like moisture.  Best she hurries or she will be caught out in the open completely exposed to life threatening elements.  Her memory had become stronger with the passing of the years, as had her senses.  Taking a deep breath, she counted her steps automatically finding the landmarks she placed to mark her way home.  Home was a small cave with protection from the elements.  Inside she stored all that she could, food, blankets and water.  When she was lucky, there was water close by and she could refill the jugs she had there.  There were other times when luck was not with her and she walked many miles to find water over a period of days.

Soon the ground started to feel familiar to her feet.  The staff she carried helped steady her steps as she found the path to her cave.  The coolness of the cave was welcome relief as she paused at the entrance.  She was always grateful to make it back home, to safety.  She always thought that maybe she was living a dream, one where she was able to see again.  It was fanciful thinking but still, there was a small hope in the back of her mind.  She began her evening routine within the darkness of the cave.  She found the utensils she needed to prepare some kind of meal.   With a heavy sigh she continued to prepare a small meal.  Using economical movements, preparation was swift and soon she had consumed the meal she had prepared.  She sat quietly in the darkened cave, listening to the wind howl outside; she could smell the storm rather than see it.  Through the years these storms just became worse and worse with their sounds penetrating even her deepest of sleep.

“Rewind...slow down...breathe” She repeated to herself as she willed herself into stillness.  

Her thoughts escaped to the time before the storms.  She was so happy then.  She was soon to graduate and go on to college.  She was so excited.  She knew her parents were looking forward to some alone time.  Their lives revolved around her and she knew that they sacrificed much for her.  In the darkness she smiled as she thought of her parents.  They loved each other so much and it showed in the way they spoke with each other...the way they held hands.  There were times when she felt like an intruder, especially when they passed certain looks.  That was her last memory of them...holding hands. 

She had come to accept her solitude but it did not take away from the loneliness of her life. She never knew a lovers caress or even her first kiss.  These were things that she knew would never be given to her now.  She was getting much too old and fragile to keep going.  It was these times when she wished with all her heart that she was not alone but this was her role and her burden as well.   Each day was a lifetime and the years just kept passing slowly by and she survived against the odds. 

She finished cleaning up and putting things back into their place.  It was time to rest, inward chuckling, to close her eyes so she could sleep.  Well, at least maybe some pleasant dreams.  It was getting chilly and she was thankful for the blankets she had stockpiled over the years.   She lay in her bed listening to the howling wind.  She knew it was still daylight but she needed to rest for the coming evening.  She needed to find more water and soon as she was almost out. 

She woke with some grogginess and a little disoriented.  She felt some unease but she continued on with her routine.  Yes, today was a day she felt...ancient.  Taking a deep breath she urged herself forward. There was no one to help her and she needed to go out and find water.  Her fingers told her that her supply was low and she needed to find more to be able to survive. 

“Rewind...slow down...breathe” Her litany of survival as she focused on her environment.

As she emerged from her cave, her face felt the cool wind.  Strange that the wind was still blowing but there was no heat felt.  The weather has become a little unpredictable lately.  Frowning, she stepped out with confidence walking along a path she knew well.  Hours later there was no scent of water in the air.  She was not too worried as she had brought with her supplies for a couple of days.  Always to be prepared just in case and this was one of those “just in case” type of days.  She was just hoping that she would not have to stay out for long.  It would be a challenge to find shelter and her old bones were complaining more and more. 

She was determined to find some kind of shelter as it became apparent that water was not to be found before the sun rose again.  She was already starting to feel the heat approaching and she was worried.  It was rare that she was caught out in the open and even then, she was much younger and could withstand the elements.  She knew she would have difficulty surviving now.  Time has taken its toll on her body.

The weather started to change suddenly.  The wind which normally did not appear at night started to kick in more and heat started to be felt.  Did she misjudge the day so badly? Her disorientation worsened as time progressed.  She had to find some shelter and soon as she could feel the heat upon her body making it burn.  Her steps quicken in an effort to find someplace cooler.  Her senses normally so reliable could not find any coolness around her.  This time her staff and feet failed her as she fell to the ground hitting her head on a rock.  The sun rising steadily caught her on the ground and slowly fried her skin

“Rewind...slow down...breathe” Her last thoughts before the darkness took her.

© 2010 apr 05/cb

Seeds Of Discontent

There are whispers in the dark; “What are you doing here?”

Playing with my mind; floating behind my eyes

Sometimes it is hatred coating levels of love in shades of grey

Seeds of discontentment; wasted shafts of wheat

“Who am I?”I beg the shadows in a trembling voice

Silence greets my queries; my soul trembles inside

My regrets – those mistakes are taking on a life of their own

Leaving me with increasing anguish over decisions long past

Traveling further along memory lane; here I see the wreckage

Parts discarded while some others were used to build something new

A psychological wasteland; haunting vibrations are still felt

My heart trembles at the memories; my mouth dries out

“It’s a way of life” says a whispered voice

I turn quickly but see only a faint shadow fleeing

My heroes have turned to dust; were they ever really here?

The memories are piling up now; headstones of days gone by

“Remember the rules of engagement” another voice urges

My forehead forming into wrinkles of concentration

The road is dusty now; in a state of disrepair

Breathing the musty air; memories now very vague

My steps are shorter now; my mind becomes weary

There is tightness in my chest building

Something is very near; breathing is difficult

My fear starts to increase as rusted fences start to appear

“Come closer, you are almost there” that voice now sounds so familiar

Pushing hard against that fence; the lock finally pops

The shadows part as fog when the sun hits it; leaving me stunned

It seemed that with the passing years – it has grown!

Limbs in the color of dark mahogany; gnarled and twisted

Decaying leaves all around; the odor increasing in putrid smell

Voices now were clamoring inside my head; “Run! Run!”

My feet were made of clay; my body and mind frozen in but a second

It took me into its darkness; now I became its victim once again

The tree from which my discontent was born; those vile seeds from days past

Wrapped its horny limbs around me; cradled me to sleep

My doom was met; my fate was sealed by those seeds of discontent

© 2010 14 september/cb

Perdida ~ Lost

Perdida

No sé quién soy
Sin ti a mi lado
No soy una princessa
Sólo una mujer

Me siento perdida - sin dirección
No puedo respirar, tengo la boca seca
El centro de mi mundo se perdió
Quiero correr pero al mismo tiempo - no

Lo nuestro ha sido uno de empuje uno al otro
Pero extraño lo que fue nuestro
Los tonos de nuestras voces en la conversación
Cálido y lleno de emoción

Cierro los ojos con mi última vista que se de ti
Me quedo dormida con el calor de tu cuerpo a mi lado
Unos bailes dulces todas las noches que me arrullen a dormir
Sueños sin descanso me paralizan hoy

Me escuchas por la noche?
Sientes la desesperación en mi corazón?
Mi alma llena de angustia y las lágrimas?
Me escuchas dentro esa noche oscura en el que te encuentras?

Estoy perdida, perdida sin esperanza
Estoy esperando que me lleve esa noche oscura
Una oscuridad sin fondo
Donde espero por fin poder encontrate de nuevo

Lost

I do not know who I am any longer

Without you by my side

I'm not a princess

Only one woman

I feel lost – without direction

I cannot breathe; my mouth is dry

The center of my world was lost to me

I want to run but at the same time - no

Our love has been one of constant pushing

Strangely, I miss what we had

The tones of our voices as we spoke to one another

Warm and full of emotion

I close my eyes and I see my last view that is of you

I fall asleep with the warmth of your body beside me

A sweet dance every night which lulls me to sleep

Now, dreamless sleep has me paralyzed

Can you hear me at night?

Do you feel the despair in my heart?

Can you feel my soul full of anguish and tears?

Can you hear me from that dark night of yours?

I am lost, lost without hope

I wait for that dark night to take me

A bottomless darkness

Where I hope to finally find you again

© 2010 9 september/cb