Knocking on Heaven’s Door

Knocking on Heaven’s Door            

Runny noses and tears on my face

Painful scratches from the cats

Falling due to my own clumsiness

Breathing in the smoggy air

Feeling the heat of the day

Wishing for the cold weather to start

The taste of food that is yummy

And that taste that is so foul your stomach rebels

The memories which linger longer than you like

Anticipating that first kiss

This was not what you thought it would be

Until years later when you meet the love of your life

The sound of that virile voice

Quickening my pulse

As touching brings me full circle

Bringing forth a new life

Getting fat and lumpy

Hearing those first wonderful sounds

It is the feeling of emotions

The daily wave of joy and sadness

The occasional anger which stays or leaves

The rush of emotions

As politics are discussed

Debates won and lost

Meeting different people

Adjusting to different mentalities

Enjoying the experience of new cultures

They say that heaven is perfect

No couples, partners or individual love

No human touches-no sex

That is not my idea of heaven

Why would I want to not feel anything again

That is called death

Heaven is here-right on my doorstep

It is here on earth

Where my humanity is

This is where I will stay

Until my time is up

Until my humanity dies

Do not bury me but allow me to fly

My ashes spreading across the land and sea

Now just let me fly

©MSM October 2014

IF

If I should die today

I know it would not have been in vain

My life would have been filled

With the touch of the wind in my hair

The caress of the warm heat of the sun upon my skin

My lungs would have been filled with the air

Sometimes not so clean but still allowing me

To breathe and continue on another day

The sweetness of life would have been upon my lips

My tongue savoring all that is delicate and harsh

Neither of which would have been spared or withheld

The wealth of emotions would have been my playground

I would have used as well as have been used

Eventually torturing my psyche and my soul

But IF is still a long way off

I have yet to experience the softness of my love’s caress

To feel his heart beating fast and hard

After a long session of love making

The murmur of his voice in my ear in the mornings

Along with the caress from his unshaven face

The feel of his hands as he lifts me into ecstasy

There are the years ahead of shared laughter and secret smiles

Of conversations serious and fulfilling

As well as those filled with just the silliness of life

THEN and only then

When the promise of life has been finally fulfilled

When thousand of kisses have been given and stolen

When a love so strong that it crossed time and space has endured

Then death can take my hand and I will follow

I will take a long last look at my love’s face

Dancing slowly without fear death’s dance

Though the tears may cloud my eyes

The memories of the years past will flood through me

Sustaining me as my lips brush his once more before I die

© December 23, 2011/cb

Left Behind

The sky above her is now shadowed in darkness

The warmth of the sun is now gone

There is a chill in the air

It is safe to come out and take a chance

The light reflected by the moon is bright

Tree limbs now alive with shadowed light

She sees the stars-light from the distant past

Long forgotten destroyed planets splayed against the sky

There is a distant memory – just remembered

Of a girl with a dream – one who wished upon a star

Whose eyes were once bright with wonder and awe

With a desire for life and passion filling her every moment

Another memory takes its place

Darkness consuming the earth in a flash

Ships taking those who could leave away from disaster

An exclusive club; one she did not belong to

Left behind to fend for herself; frantic and alone

She managed for a short time until she met him

Together they forged a new life

In the now wasted earth

Living in darkness; in the bowels of the earth

The only safe place for those left behind

They grew accustomed to the lack of light

A necessity of the new life

Hair that was golden and filled with light

Is now gnarled and grey, full of knots

Her skin no longer soft but leathery and tight

Her days of youth long gone

Throwing out the bones that were his

His flesh long gone from them

His death was her survival

She survived as she never thought she could

The light of day fast approaching

She crawls back into the earth

Reminding her that once again

She was left behind

© 2010 nov 14/cb

Diary date November 7:

It’s Mom’s birthday and she wants to forget.  Forget that she had a life and that she still has one.  Forget the 60 years or so of marriage which is now dead and buried with Dad.  Forget the family she raised, cried over and sent onward into adulthood.  Yes, she wants to forget.

She has been in tears, semi-tears-silent sobs.  I am helpless in this as there is nothing I can do to make her feel better.  Celebrating her wonder-filled life has no impact on her.  The worst thing-not one person has even called her to even say hello!

Mom died the day Dad died.  She has become a walking zombie.  The worse thing is that her precious children-the favorite ones-have her buried in life.  They come by the house and leave with things.  Taking without asking or taking with pressure.  Mom is not strong enough to say no.  She thinks that if she says no...they will not come again. 

The truth is that they will not come anyway.  It is an obligation.  Someone once asked me why I stayed.  I am not her favorite-I was Dad’s.  I have put up with a lot of meanness and petty anger from her.  In a way-I am Cinderella in my own parent’s home.

I stay because she needs me...and she does not realize it.

Happy Birthday Mom...i know you cannot hear me nor want to but Happy Birthday.

© 2010 NOV 7/cb

A Passing Thought

Her eyes filled with tears as the pain in her heart started up again. She scanned the crowd around her. She saw some familiar faces but she did not see the ones she expected. There was quietness in the air around her. She closed her eyes for a moment...




1910 was the year she came into this world. Electricity was an exciting thing in her small town – along with the automobile and telephone! How she laughed as she remembered how she waited with anticipation to hear the operator to let the family know they had a call waiting! She clearly heard the rattle of the automobiles of the day – nothing like the autos of today but it was an exciting time! She watched the children play and wished she could play too.



Her Mama and Papa were always strict with her – making her observe the decorum of the day. She often wondered how it would feel not to have to always be so prim and proper. She was a spoiled princess to her parents. They provided as much as they could for her. Life was always wonderful and filled with wonderful things. She was scheduled to take a European trip the spring following her graduation. It was October when she found Mama crying in the garden. Papa was nowhere to be seen. She was confused and asked where he was but Mama just hugged her – telling her that they would be alright. Some things may change but they would be alright. She later learned that that day was called Black Tuesday – the year was 1929. The days of the family wealth ended on that day – and the life of her Papa. She was so young then. Barely 19 years old! She must admit that she was no raving beauty – not even as a young woman. She did not have a dowry any longer or any suitors. At the time life looked very bleak. Her life change forever that day.



Softly sighing she opened her eyes again. The quiet in the air was still there but it felt just a little warmer than before. The light was soft, urging her to close her eyes...



Time went by and she got her wish! She learned how to walk and run without all the niceties of society. Her chaperone was her Mama. The fine house was gone and so were the servants. She learned to turn her skills of embroidery into a business. The ten years of the Great Depression, as it became known, flew by, she emerged a grown woman. Papa would have been amazed – Mama still had trouble with the change in their circumstances but she did as all in her position did; she accepted with grace what was handed to her, still dreaming of the old days. Mama still waited for Papa to come home. She finally joined him just before the end of the Depression. Walking away from their gravesite, she now knew she was really alone.



It was a few years later that she met Henri. He was such a nice and decent man. Her heart did not run away with her as with so many other younger women at the time. She was now 38 – considered an “Old Maid” but she was a woman with a business and a sharp mind. She knew her worth and she was careful. Henri was from an old family of European decent – German. He had the old world manners and no vices that she knew of. Their courtship lasted 2 years and they set a date for the wedding. Time had taken care of any fears and they grew to love each other deeply. Life had different plans. Henri had to take care of family issues in Germany. It was 1940 and Jews were not very welcome in Germany. Henri did not make it back to the States. She learned of his fate through the American Embassy – a family connection who still kept in contact. She cried for many months when she thought she was alone. Life was not fair to her! She had his ring and the memories of their planned life together. That ring never left her finger – she never took it off.



The years flew by as work became her center. There was no time for any personal relationships. She did her duty with her family. Aunts, Uncles, cousins - they all received her attention. She knew she was talked about behind her back but that was alright. She had become accustomed to being called the Maiden Aunt.



She had taken a trip to Europe on the pretext of a vacation. She stopped in Berlin to try to find out more as to Henri’s fate. Her fears were confirmed what she was told years ago – he was taken by the Gestapo and never seen again. Her heart was torn apart knowing that she would never really know what happened to him. She cried herself to sleep for many nights after that trip. She vowed never to marry. Instead, she filled the large house that she and Henri were to have lived in, with antiques. She filled it with the things they talked about. It was not filled with children – they were never to be. A small tear fell from the corner of her eye as this memory filled her mind.



With the passing of time she was witness to more wars; Korea, Vietnam, the Middle East and more. She was in awe at the moon landings and the technology which came about. She saw the children of her cousins grow and begin lives of their own. The loss of a family was something she deeply regretted. How she wished that Henri was still with her!



In the last 30 years, she left the business in the hands of others as she had grown old. The large rambling house was now a memory. It was given to charity – a shelter for abused women and children. She now lived in a penthouse – secluded from the majority of society. Her only contact was her maid of many years of service and the occasional visit from the many nieces and nephews. She preferred the quiet life and did not miss the business world as much as she thought she would.



Her eyes fluttered open – the room was now darkening and there were some sounds which she could not recognize. She was tired; just a few more moments of sleep would not harm her…



Her personal physician pronounced her dead on October 1, 2010. She was 100 years old. The family gathered, as families do, at the death of a loved one. The greed in the room was palatable as they anticipated the millions to be inherited. She did not disappoint them. Her money was left to charity – every cent. Her funeral was a sad affair – though her death was published – it was a private affair with little mourners in attendance.



She watched from a distance. No one was here to mourn her – no one that mattered to her. It was a small crowd of business associates and some family members. It was good that her fortune was left to those who needed. She had made the right choice. She heard her name whispered. Henri!! He looked the same; just as she remembered him. She took his hand as the sunlight filtered through the clouds. She left her life behind with the mourners at the gravesite; it was just a passing thought.





© 2010 October 24/cb

Breathe

It was the last experiment of the government in an effort to turn the environment around.  Sadly, all it did was hasten the end of what little there was left.  The earth now was hostile to human life.  The key now was to survive and that meant finding water and finding shelter during the day as the sun was merciless. 

“God help me” she thought with a heavy sigh as she dragged herself up from the ground.  “When is this going to get any better? When will it finally be over?” 

It seemed like a lifetime ago when all seemed normal.  The earth was green and vibrant with creatures of all kinds in abundance.  That was before the government decided to get greedy and power hungry, passing laws which broke the environment.  She was so young when the earth started to turn brown and the temperatures soared to unbearable degrees.   The family home was the last refuge for her and her parents.  She remembered the cool tiles as she lay down to rest for naps then later for sleeping at night when she dreamed of the stars.  That evening was the last time she saw the stars and her parents.  There was a brilliant light followed by a blast that pulverized everything.  It brought down buildings with people sheltering within them. There cries of fear and pain filling the air as the blast sucked up their lives. It destroyed her home, killing her parents as they pushed her under a concrete bench, saving her life, seconds before the beams holding up the house crashed down on them.  The sight of those last moments was the legacy left to her by that disaster before she blacked out.  Sometime later, she did not know as to when, she awoke to a world of darkness.  It took her a little time to realize that the blackness was not evening.  She could feel the heat of the day.  It was then that the full impact hit her.  She was blind.  She learned to stay hidden during the day and search for food under the cover of night.  She learned to trust her senses as she had no choice.

As she dusted off her dress she could only imagine what it looked like now.   She lost what was left of her family and home, what was once a safe heaven.  The dust clogged her nostrils as her hands broke the dirt beneath.  She gazed into the distance, smirking to herself, as she could only rely on memory and touch to know what her reality was.  All she could feel was broken earth which in her mind, it looked like mosaic tiles reminding her of the floor at home.  She shook her head to clear that memory as the home no longer existed.  It has been such a long time without water and she wanted to drink, wash and just be human again.  She had been searching the land for some sign of moisture without any luck. 

“Rewind...slow down...breathe” Her litany of survival which she repeated to herself.

With practiced will she became attuned to her surroundings.  The slight breeze told her that there was a storm on the horizon, maybe one with water but it did not feel like moisture.  Best she hurries or she will be caught out in the open completely exposed to life threatening elements.  Her memory had become stronger with the passing of the years, as had her senses.  Taking a deep breath, she counted her steps automatically finding the landmarks she placed to mark her way home.  Home was a small cave with protection from the elements.  Inside she stored all that she could, food, blankets and water.  When she was lucky, there was water close by and she could refill the jugs she had there.  There were other times when luck was not with her and she walked many miles to find water over a period of days.

Soon the ground started to feel familiar to her feet.  The staff she carried helped steady her steps as she found the path to her cave.  The coolness of the cave was welcome relief as she paused at the entrance.  She was always grateful to make it back home, to safety.  She always thought that maybe she was living a dream, one where she was able to see again.  It was fanciful thinking but still, there was a small hope in the back of her mind.  She began her evening routine within the darkness of the cave.  She found the utensils she needed to prepare some kind of meal.   With a heavy sigh she continued to prepare a small meal.  Using economical movements, preparation was swift and soon she had consumed the meal she had prepared.  She sat quietly in the darkened cave, listening to the wind howl outside; she could smell the storm rather than see it.  Through the years these storms just became worse and worse with their sounds penetrating even her deepest of sleep.

“Rewind...slow down...breathe” She repeated to herself as she willed herself into stillness.  

Her thoughts escaped to the time before the storms.  She was so happy then.  She was soon to graduate and go on to college.  She was so excited.  She knew her parents were looking forward to some alone time.  Their lives revolved around her and she knew that they sacrificed much for her.  In the darkness she smiled as she thought of her parents.  They loved each other so much and it showed in the way they spoke with each other...the way they held hands.  There were times when she felt like an intruder, especially when they passed certain looks.  That was her last memory of them...holding hands. 

She had come to accept her solitude but it did not take away from the loneliness of her life. She never knew a lovers caress or even her first kiss.  These were things that she knew would never be given to her now.  She was getting much too old and fragile to keep going.  It was these times when she wished with all her heart that she was not alone but this was her role and her burden as well.   Each day was a lifetime and the years just kept passing slowly by and she survived against the odds. 

She finished cleaning up and putting things back into their place.  It was time to rest, inward chuckling, to close her eyes so she could sleep.  Well, at least maybe some pleasant dreams.  It was getting chilly and she was thankful for the blankets she had stockpiled over the years.   She lay in her bed listening to the howling wind.  She knew it was still daylight but she needed to rest for the coming evening.  She needed to find more water and soon as she was almost out. 

She woke with some grogginess and a little disoriented.  She felt some unease but she continued on with her routine.  Yes, today was a day she felt...ancient.  Taking a deep breath she urged herself forward. There was no one to help her and she needed to go out and find water.  Her fingers told her that her supply was low and she needed to find more to be able to survive. 

“Rewind...slow down...breathe” Her litany of survival as she focused on her environment.

As she emerged from her cave, her face felt the cool wind.  Strange that the wind was still blowing but there was no heat felt.  The weather has become a little unpredictable lately.  Frowning, she stepped out with confidence walking along a path she knew well.  Hours later there was no scent of water in the air.  She was not too worried as she had brought with her supplies for a couple of days.  Always to be prepared just in case and this was one of those “just in case” type of days.  She was just hoping that she would not have to stay out for long.  It would be a challenge to find shelter and her old bones were complaining more and more. 

She was determined to find some kind of shelter as it became apparent that water was not to be found before the sun rose again.  She was already starting to feel the heat approaching and she was worried.  It was rare that she was caught out in the open and even then, she was much younger and could withstand the elements.  She knew she would have difficulty surviving now.  Time has taken its toll on her body.

The weather started to change suddenly.  The wind which normally did not appear at night started to kick in more and heat started to be felt.  Did she misjudge the day so badly? Her disorientation worsened as time progressed.  She had to find some shelter and soon as she could feel the heat upon her body making it burn.  Her steps quicken in an effort to find someplace cooler.  Her senses normally so reliable could not find any coolness around her.  This time her staff and feet failed her as she fell to the ground hitting her head on a rock.  The sun rising steadily caught her on the ground and slowly fried her skin

“Rewind...slow down...breathe” Her last thoughts before the darkness took her.

© 2010 apr 05/cb

Seeds Of Discontent

There are whispers in the dark; “What are you doing here?”

Playing with my mind; floating behind my eyes

Sometimes it is hatred coating levels of love in shades of grey

Seeds of discontentment; wasted shafts of wheat

“Who am I?”I beg the shadows in a trembling voice

Silence greets my queries; my soul trembles inside

My regrets – those mistakes are taking on a life of their own

Leaving me with increasing anguish over decisions long past

Traveling further along memory lane; here I see the wreckage

Parts discarded while some others were used to build something new

A psychological wasteland; haunting vibrations are still felt

My heart trembles at the memories; my mouth dries out

“It’s a way of life” says a whispered voice

I turn quickly but see only a faint shadow fleeing

My heroes have turned to dust; were they ever really here?

The memories are piling up now; headstones of days gone by

“Remember the rules of engagement” another voice urges

My forehead forming into wrinkles of concentration

The road is dusty now; in a state of disrepair

Breathing the musty air; memories now very vague

My steps are shorter now; my mind becomes weary

There is tightness in my chest building

Something is very near; breathing is difficult

My fear starts to increase as rusted fences start to appear

“Come closer, you are almost there” that voice now sounds so familiar

Pushing hard against that fence; the lock finally pops

The shadows part as fog when the sun hits it; leaving me stunned

It seemed that with the passing years – it has grown!

Limbs in the color of dark mahogany; gnarled and twisted

Decaying leaves all around; the odor increasing in putrid smell

Voices now were clamoring inside my head; “Run! Run!”

My feet were made of clay; my body and mind frozen in but a second

It took me into its darkness; now I became its victim once again

The tree from which my discontent was born; those vile seeds from days past

Wrapped its horny limbs around me; cradled me to sleep

My doom was met; my fate was sealed by those seeds of discontent

© 2010 14 september/cb

No Pity

Tonight the air was thick with humidity

My skin sticky from the clinging moisture

There was no reprieve from the tortuous heat

I sit and watch you; a wounded animal looking for safety

The emotions crossing your face clearly displayed

Communicated your anger-frustration-darkness inside you

The noise of the ancient air-conditioning unit

Creaking on its last mechanical legs

Trying in vain to cool the air – to cool us down

Tonight we have fought; two desperate animals

Dragons breathing fire-not giving an inch

Our bodies showed no damage but inside we bleed

Your dark mood is out of control

The verbiage spewing from you has battered me

You have showed no mercy in the your pummels

Your breathing is still ragged from pent up rage

Much as your shirt clings to you as a second skin

Your eyes meet mine; I lose myself within its depths

You have taken me there; that place of darkness

With that voyage you make me open up; showed me how to let go

Within your pain a lesson you taught; you inspired me to fly!

It is with a harsh realization; reaction is swift

We do not belong together yet my soul cries out; asking for compassion

The answer I find within the depth of your eyes; no mercy given

No longer able to cool anything down; with a final creak

The ancient air conditioning unit finally dies

Silently I get up to open windows; instead I walk out the door

© 2010 17 august/cb

The Art of Living

My fear is not in the death of my fragile body

It is in the loss of my mind long before my body dies

As my body gives out-I want to remember!

I want to remember that moment of my birth

When I drew my first breath – feeling that shock of first awareness

My molecules at the most base level screaming  as they are torn apart

My strength growing with my joy of life – may I survive!

I want to age with the fluid grace of wrinkles and sagging skin

To finally die with dignity – without the disturbing prolonging of medical technology

I want my memories to be as varied- crystal clear-as my life was

Filled with the sadness, the happiness, the love and the disturbed

As I die - let me feel the pain of life as it flows out of me

In the end – my life should be a canvas

Where one can go and sit and wonder with awe

At the art of living – through the process of dying

© 2010 16 august/cb

The Pendulum

The pendulum is swinging

The chimes are softly marking time

It is time being greeted

At the same time it is bid adieu

It keeps on moving forward
Small deadly measures of silence

Miniscule cuts upon our skin

The pain is silent until too late

We now bleed as our life drains

Time is taking its coveted prize

Our minds know the incredible value
Yet our hearts sometimes are not as aware

Time robs us quickly and efficiently

Tic toc tic toc-There it goes silently

As we weep at the lost sands

Slipping from in between our fingers

Time passes us by-Tic toc tic toc
There is no end of day-just the death of us

The pendulum keeps swinging

As the chimes softly keep marking time

© 2010 2 august/cb

Safety Zone

Pulling away from my safety zone

Placing myself right there next to you

This I would do to feel your pain

Endure your dark despair

I would take your hand-hold on tight

Feeling each of your bones within

Endure the fire of your fear

Calm the shaking of your sinews

I mind not to do this for you

If this is the only way

To be able to shed some light for you

Infuse hope within you

Would you like this?

If you say NO then what am I to do?

There is something stopping me

Not within myself but maybe within you

Tell me what should I do?

I feel the breakage coming

Carnage terrible and fierce

You keep pushing me away

Beyond your reach –beyond mine

Is this what you want?

Reaching out to you

I see and feel the need

Do I follow my heart?

Or should my mind rule?

I have finally seen deep inside of you

The battle raging within you

An angel on one shoulder calming you

While the devil twists his tri-fork into you

Is this a chapter about to end?

Or the beginning of something new

It is a fine line drawn here

A battle in which the casualty is us

Pulling away from my safety zone

Placing myself right there next to you

Your pain has now become mine

Explosion of pain finally released

No more questions-it is done

We have traded places now

You are safe-no more fear

I have died in your place

© 2010 14 july/cb