Diary Date November 6

The day started out easy enough.  The rain woke me with its incessant beating against my bedroom window.  It is just another day of taking one breath after another-not life.  I feel the warmth of my body but there is no warmth beside me.  I am alone.

The central heat kicked in again.  It tells me that the night was chilly enough for the computer to know that the humans within the house would be cold.  Imagine that!  I wonder if we would survive without the computers in our lives.  They seem to guide our daily moments in our lives.  Well, at least in mine it does.  Would I be able to survive without it?  I wonder…

With that thought in mind, I rose into the slightly cool air and proceeded to dress.  It helped to feel the cool.  At least, the lethargy that gets to me everyday seems to leave me-if at least for a few moments.  If I were to be honest with myself, it is not lethargy-it is depression. 

There was a time in my life where I just floated along in life.  It did not matter how I did things.  I always managed to get by.  I was able to help others because it came easy to me.  I could find what I needed-it seemed that all I needed to do was just reach out and there it was.  These days it does not happen as often.  Maybe, just maybe, I have stopped believing in happy endings.   Maybe I have lost control of my own destiny.

I am just a vessel without direction.  There was no need to hurry.  No place to be, no appointments-worse-no one to be with.  These days are becoming a way of life now. 

©2011 november/cb

9/11...a decade later

you know...i was at work early...really early on that day. we had a meeting that was going to happen that day. it never did.

i had the television on...it was 6am-just for the noise. i glanced up to see a news report about a plane crashing into one of the towers. my thought..."what an idiot! who flys that low in NYC!" then the next one struck. i was appalled but when i heard that the pentagon was struck. at that point i knew we were at war. the only thing was...with whom???

then my thoughts turned to the people trying to escape. i had friends and a family member in that inferno that day. they did not make it. the feeling of helplessness and then of anger at the way our nation was attacked. all i could think of at the time was-nothing. i was numb. crying.

it only took a few moments for the security we all felt in this country to be shattered. we have been trying to get it back since. the one thing that saddens me is that innocent people of all races and beliefs died in this attack. we crucified many using religion as the common denominator. it was sad to see that a country..our country used this. our own foundation was due to the freedom of religion and here we were-laying blame on many due to religion.

over the years i saw hatred aimed at the believers of Islam. i saw many also aim hatred at those who defended them. within the community of Muslims-they condemned the fools who did this to not just them but to the world. i also saw that many started to see the human side of the believers. it made me feel better knowing that some sense was finally coming back into

this country i love.

the one thing i do not want to see again-is attacks within our borders. i think those days are gone. we are attacked from within-not by a religion but by fools whose aim is to destroy and disrupt our society with the violent hatred they harbor toward anyone not like them.

the land of the free is still the land of the free. we may carry some scars but we will persevere and just keep growing stronger-even with all the stupidity going on in our government. the people in this wonderful country will overcome obstacles.

Warned...

yea…told me once.

you told me twice.

but did i listen…nope.

i just kept coming back for more.

i thought that maybe with time you would see.

i mean really see!

you did…but only what you wanted to see. 

so i left you a note-hoping you would read it.

i found an empty space instead.

you became busier than usual

i found that i wasn’t as sad as i thought i would be

in fact, what i found was a feeling of peace.

strange that it took a bitch to make me look deeper

at the time it seemed important

you seemed important.

now-my path has opened onto another road

now-you are warned

once and only once

open your eyes

because now-it is my turn-it is my time

© Sept 09, 2011/cb

Conversation with Daddy

I can't believe that you've been gone so long now. I still hear your voice and hear your sage advice. It has only been a short three years in time but for me it has been an eternity.

I just wanted to talk with you-hear those awful jokes you always told to make all of us laugh.  Most especially those jokes you told when you knew I was angry with you for some stupid thing.  Yes, it was usually me getting upset over things that went wrong but still-I miss your jokes.

You know, since the day you were buried at the mausoleum-I have not been back. That is not where you are for me.  The place smells of death-quiet.  That is not a place for you.  You were always the life of the party.  Joking with everyone and making sure that everyone was comfortable.  I am sure that you probably have tried to liven up that dead place but I don't think our ancestors there had much of a sense of humor.  In fact, they probably kicked you out and you were probably laughing because you wanted to leave! Oh Daddy...it is not right that you are in that cold place alone.

Well, I am not here to cry-I am crying because I do miss you but honestly-that is not the reason for our conversation today.  

What I wanted to tell you Daddy is that I am finally at peace with myself.  Yes, some things have been difficult and many changes have happened since you left.

It was a good thing you were not here to see those changes.  You would have been very sad and you would not have been able to help.  Graduations have been accomplished, divorces and some upcoming marriages as well! 

The marriage is why I am here today with you.  Yes Daddy, mine. I have to laugh because now I know that you cannot bring out the shotgun as you did when I was younger.  You managed to scare off a few suitors but not this one Daddy. He is not the kind to run away.  You would like him.  In fact, you both have much in common.  One is that you both love me!  Mostly Daddy, you would approve of him, he is a good man with a kind heart; intelligent and knows his way in this world.  Your politics might clash but that is okay.  It is good for the heart to have the blood flowing with some controversy. 

I wish you were here to give your blessing.  You know me, I don't want your consent-just your understanding and maybe a smile or two. 

Anyway, Daddy, you are in my heart always.  On my wedding day, you will be at my side as well.

I will be back later-to talk a little more. 

I am always be your little girl....

© cb-sept 2011

Conversación con Papá 

No puedo creer que ha pasado tanto tiempo. Todavía oigo su voz y puedo escuchar tus sabios consejos. Sólo ha sido unos cortos tres años en el tiempo, pero para mí ha sido una eternidad. 

Yo sólo quería hablar contigo - oír esos chistes horribles tuyos y que siempre nos hace a todos reír. Muy especialmente aquellas bromas de los que me decias  cuando estaba enojada contogo  por alguna estupidez. Sí, fue por lo general-you quien estaba enojada por cosas que salian mal, pero aún echo de menos tus chistes. 

Sabes, desde el día en que te enterraon en el mausoleo-Yo no he vuelto. Ese lugar no es lo que tú eres para mí. Ese lugar huele a muerte-silenciosa. Que no es un lugar para ti. Siempre fuiste el alma de la fiesta. Bromeando con todo el mundo y asegurarse de que todos al tu arrededor estaban cómodos. Estoy muy segura de que has tratado de darle vida a este lugar muerto, pero no creo que nuestros antepasados  tenían mucho sentido del humor. De hecho, es probable que te expulsaron y tu te reías debido a que querías salir! Aye papá ... no es justo que te encuentres en ese lugar frío y solo. 

Bueno, yo no estoy aquí para llorar.  Si lloro pero es porque te echo de menos. La verdad es, tengo otra razón para nuestra conversación de hoy. 

Lo que quiero decirte Papá es que finalmente estoy en paz conmigo misma. Sí,es cierto-algunas cosas han sido difíciles y muchos cambios han ocurrido desde que te fuiste. 

Fue una suerte que no estabas aquí para ver los cambios. La tristesa en tu Corazon te hubiera matado de seguro y no habiera manera de poder ayudar. Graduaciones se han cumplido, los divorcios y algunos matrimonios próximo también!

Sobre el matrimonio es el por que estoy aquí hoy contigo. Sí papá, es la mía. Me tengo que reír, porque ahora sé que no se puede llevar a cabo la escopeta como lo has hecho cuando era más joven. Se las arregló para asustar a algunos pretendientes, pero no a pa él papá-él no es el tipo de huir. De hecho, ambos tienen mucho en común y uno de ellos es que ambos me quieren mucho! Sobre todo papá, él es un buen hombre con un corazón bondadoso, inteligente y conoce su camino en este mundo. Su política puede estar en contradicción, pero eso está bien. Es bueno para el corazón que la sangre que fluye con una cierta controversia. 

Me gustaría que estuvieras aquí no tanto por tu bendición. Tu me conoces, yo no quiero tu consentimiento, sólo tu comprensión y tal vez una sonrisa ….o dos. 

De todos modos, Papá, estás en mi corazón siempre. El día de mi boda, estarás a mi lado también.

Volveré más al rato y seguimos platicando. 

Siempre soy y seria ciendo tu niña .... 

© cb-sept 2011

i live

and it is not for you.

it is for me and for the things that i want. 

am i resigning from life?  

naw…

maybe from yours as you do not appreciate me.

you have so much shit you are carrying within you

it will take a miracle for you to see past the stink of it.

i pity you as much as i love you

our paths crossed becoming one then dividing

but still within sight of each other.

you have only to reach out

touch me as you once did

the difference is that i may not reach back…

so yes…i now live for one thing only

you taught me that

shut the world out and just become a machine…

© cb-june 2011

Sand and Fog

I am walking on sand with an uneven gait. I feel the fog rolling around me; surrounding me-touching me with its chill…. 

If it’s not broke…don’t fix it.  This is something that I have heard all my life.  Yet, I will try to fix things that maybe should just be left alone.  I am sure that there are good reasons for it-but at the moment they simply evade me.  This thought has been with me for awhile now.

Changes have hit me lately and they are still changing around me-inside me.  Life kicking me in the ass or maybe it was just the simple fact that I had the wrong friend.  I think that is more it than anything else.  I do have to chuckle a little-I remember being a judgmental bitch at one point in my life.  Life turned around and did the same to me by another.  The cycle will not end-it will keep going until lessons are learned.  My lesson was learned a long time ago but karma still had some life left for me.  Hopefully this is the last of it.  I have to learn not to trust; maybe that will save some grief.   

Today I was asked a question. It killed me and needless to say, it also blurred my vision as tears filled my eyes.  Mom is not well and my daughter sees this as well.  She asked if we would be homeless if grandma died.  My family is not kind-they see only the money that will be theirs when mom passes on.  We have continued to live with Mom since Dad’s death.  I told her not to worry; when the time comes things will be as they are supposed to be.  Well at least that is my hope.  I can’t tell her that I am also very worried about this.  Now is not the time for changes; our protection died with my Father.  These days it is I who is protecting Mom; she is fading fast.

Someone once told me that his family had the trappings of wealth yet when anyone looked deeper-the reality is very different.  People see what they want to see and place their expectations upon that person.  When I look at things around me I remember that statement and wonder if my reality is what people see or imagine. 

…I am cold and I cannot get warm.   I hear the sounds of the waves crashing on the rocks below.  The lonely sound of the foghorn cuts through the fog.  It does little to soothe my soul.

 © july 4 2011/cb

Living Ink

My fingers slowly trace the lines of the last letter you wrote to me.  Funny how with the simple sensation of the ink raised upon a simple sheet of paper can invoke such memories - feelings.  My eyes slowly well with tears – there is too much pain still.

Still holding that precious sheet of tangible memory, I take a deep breath to hold myself together.  I try to clear my mind, still my heart, quiet my soul but it does me no good.  At unexpected times of the day – it hits with a vengeance.  Try as I might I can’t let go.

It has been four years but still you are deep inside me.  The flavor of your skin and your scent is still embedded in my memory.  Your laughter resonates in my mind – I hear your voice at odd times.  There are times where I see you or at least that is what my eyes seem to think.

This letter – this living ink – is all that is left of you.  We live on in my mind and I am going crazy….

© cb-june 2011